Dave Thomas Deluxe University
WELCOME TO THE DAVE THOMAS DELUXE UNIVERSITY
We at DTDU applaud your interest in our fine institution, producing bright, upstanding students and quality hamburgers for over three years. Located conveniently in downtown Net.ropolis, DTDU's sprawling yet surprisingly trim campus comfortably houses each of our departments, representing the zenith of academic achievement and food preparation available at the collegiate level today.
These departments include:
- Humanities. The DTDU Library contains a wide selection of over forty books, including the exceptionally rare and valuable signed first edition of Dave's Way, the autobiography of our founder (copies of which in fact comprise ten of our other thirty-nine books.) The library also contains at least one working computer with Internet access and a very kind librarian who will flip sleeping students over once per hour with a large spatula issued to her by the University for that purpose.
- Fine Arts. A recent issue of the Net.ropolis Observer Sunday supplement described DTDU's Arts program as "fine." What more can we add?
- Hard Sciences. None. (Why discourage students whose aptitude in other areas is so often hampered by requiring them to complete tedious distribution requirements?)
- Not-so-Hard Sciences. In addition to several introductory level and advanced courses in Hamburgerology (with a microwave lab, Grill Room, and Mock Serving Environment for which no expense has been spared), Really Deep Frying (complete with mediation chamber and complementary incense), and Contemporary Practical Sociology (How to Kiss Butt and Act Like You're Doing a Heck of a Lot More than You Actually Are), the University offers a course in Physics which meets occasionally and is taught by esteemed Professor Theodore Wong, believed dead but still tenured.
The University Grounds include a football stadium with concession stand, an Athletic Center (large leather couch, TV displaying sports events, and concession stand), a Performing Arts Center (with two concession stands), and a Student Transportation Division (STD) linking each of the concession stands on campus. There are also residential living areas for students, including several theme dorms: Those Who Like Onions, Those Who Like Mayonnaise on Everything, Those who Refuse to Eat Meat So Why the Heck are They Going Here, and Those That Watch seaQuest:DSV, among others. A University Health Center complete with a brand-new Cholesterol Wing and concession stand, a Student Union with several concession stands and a bookstore and a series of concession stands rounds out the rest of the much-recommended and difficult-to-complete-without-eating-yourself-to-an-early-grave campus tour.
Thank you for your interest in DTDU. If you have any further questions about the campus or the preparation of ground beef chuck, please do not hesitate to contact my office for details.
- Rob Rogers
- Provost - Dean of Admissions - Short-Order Cook
- The Dave Thomas Deluxe University