|Terrence Coffee is a net.hero/former personification of death created by Amabel Holland. See also Time Crapper III and Useless Powers Lad II.|
|Aliases:||Useless Powers Lad, Death|
|Primary Writer:||Amabel Holland, Jesse Willey (formerly)|
|Status:||Former member of Teenfactor, almost certainly deceased|
The long and bizarre story of Terrence Coffee began when The Man With the Black Hat appeared to his parents just after his birth. He warned them that their son was destined in fifteen years to become a being of great evil, and the child's only hope was to give him to the Man. They did so, not knowing that the Man With the Black Hat wanted to train Terrence as a villain himself. He took Terrence to another universe to train him in the ways of evil, together with his minion Malibu. But Terrence resisted the Man in Black's instruction.
One day, when Malibu was beating Terrence for refusing to obey her, a member of a race of cosmic beings called the Galactics (possibly another name for the RACelestials) intervened and killed her. It sent Terrence away to a church. Terrence attempted to make peace with God, not knowing the priest was a servant of Shroud. The priest, at Shroud's command, gave him the Spoon of Destiny, which he told him was a reincarnation of the Holy Grail.
Shortly afterwards he came across the Insanity Gaulnaut. Its power corrupted him, and he started disguising himself as the Dvandom Stranger and playing pranks on people, including Malingerer Lad. He told the latter that if he ever started angsting he would die. But Vixen used her hormone-controlling powers to reveal his true identity, and he joined Teenfactor, much to the annoyance of the others.
It was then that he met Carolyn Forge. She, too, had an abusive background and a difficult and lonely childhood. He fell instantly in love with her, and she returned it, but fate— or rather the Time Crapper— had other plans. Using a brainwashed Arcania, he defeated Teenfactor and revealed that he was Terrence's future self, come to take Terrence to the Galactics to be put on trial for his own future crimes. But he gave Terrence a last chance to speak with all his friends before he left, during which he consummated his love for Carolyn.
The Galactics punished Terrence by sentencing him to become a personification of Death. As Death, he helped Carolyn give birth to his child, Samuel Terrence Forge, but didn't reveal his true identity. Then, when the second Boss Supreme put a bounty on his son's head, he returned and revealed himself to Carolyn. The Time Crapper then attempted to sacrifice Sammy, the final catalyst which would transform Terrence into him, but Terrence's love for Carolyn was strong enough to help him avert his fate, and he executed the Time Crapper. The time energy he absorbed from doing so cancelled out his powers as Death, except for his immortality, leaving him only with the power to travel three seconds into the past.
Terrence returned to a happy life with Carolyn and Sammy, until Carolyn's counterpart Electra arrived from a now-averted alternate timeline. She became attracted to Terrence herself and made no bones about it, but Terrence turned her down. Shortly afterwards, Teenfactor battled the reality-warper Wally Vane, and Terrence gained control of one of his constructs, the Sword of Alfonso. When Teenfactor's former mentor Jennifer Frost gained omnipotent power from the Parody Force and sought revenge on the Hellionions, Terrence defended Carolyn by subconsciously channeling his temporal energy into the Sword, killing her.
When Mina Mylar came on board as the team's instructor and made them take actual classes, Terrence revealed that he'd never actually learned how to read. Then Carolyn became pregnant with twins and took a leave of absence. Electra made a deal with the extradimensional imp Mister Rkcmnsso to regain her sense of touch. She was desperate for physical contact and she wanted what her "sister" had. She first attempted to impersonate Carolyn and sleep with Terrence, and then tried to rape him directly, but couldn't go through with it. Terrence didn't tell Carolyn at first about what happened, but later she found out anyway.
When Boss Supreme sent the Canadian team Delta Flight against Teenfactor, Terrence found that one of its members, Neat Freak, was his own brother, Chris Coffee. After the defeat of Boss Supreme, he took a leave of absence for a time to get to know his brother. They traveled to Egypt and became involved in a battle against various occult threats. Terrence returned to find that Carolyn had given birth to their twins, who had been kidnapped by the sorceress Janis Kult and taken to an alternate timeline where they had grown to adults, Methyl-Cyanocrylate Lad and I'm-Melting-I'm-Melting-Oh-What-A-World-All-My-Beautiful-Wickedness Lass.
But he never got a chance to know them very well, as Janis Kult soon destroyed the Teenfactor HQ, killing all of the then-current team except for Terence, Carolyn and Electra. Terrence joined other surviving members of Teenfactor and Pearly White in a battle against Kult and Voidmaster. With Teenfactor over, Terrence finally married Carolyn, and Teenfactor ended with him taking Carolyn over the threshhold. He had lost his children, but still had his wife, his son, and his brother. He could now finally have the happy family life that was long denied him.
Or so he thought.
[I'm uncertain how to handle this material, since Amabel Holland Elsewhirled Jesse Willey's stories with her characters becuase she disliked Jesse's use of Electra in Adventures Beyond Comprehension, but other authors have referred to elements of the Killfile Wars. At any rate, Amabel did approve of Jesse's tarnishing and then killing Terrence, so we can probably assume that he is dead.]
When he joined Teenfactor, Terrence was annoyingly loquacious, partially to cover up his own insecurities, but he settled down somewhat over time. He was kind, caring, and considerate; generally the perfect husband and father. At least at first.
Powers and Abilities
Useless Powers Lad originally had the power to manifest the Spoon of Destiny and control over the Insanity Gaulnaut. (How this is considered useless is anyone's guess; perhaps he either chose the name to confuse his enemies or was initially unaware of the Spoon's true power.) When he returned from being Death, he developed a real useless power: the ability to travel three seconds into the past. He briefly had control of the Sword of Alfonso, which allowed him to channel his temporal energy as beams of destructive force, but seems to have lost this in Egypt. He was also immortal and had stopped aging as a teenager.
A pretty normal-looking teenage boy.