From LNH Wiki
(Redirected from Dorf)
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Dorfs are an alien race that were created by John C. Daiker in this post. Basically a whole species of Internet trolls, they've bedeviled Earth and the LNH many times, while managing to accumulate a nearly Star Trekian level of detail.


"Of all the races on all the worlds in all the dimensions I've observed, the Dorfs are the most obstinate, warlike, and offensive. They have the bloodthirst of Klingons, the greed of Sears auto mechanics, the attractiveness of Voltons, the tenacity of the Borg, and the mercy of Vogons. [...] Simply put, the Dorfs are completely vicious, totally ruthless, and thoroughly nasty. Not to mention their poor literary skills."
The Drizzt, Flame Wars II #1

Dorfish culture is based on one thing: constant rage. Not insulting another Dorf is itself considered a grave insult. (Which you would think means it's okay, but no.) They're inured to violence, flaming, and rudeness of every kind, and this gives them an advantage in both physical and verbal combat. However, Dorfs are unused to feeling non-anger emotions, and are easily overwhelmed by them.

Despite – or perhaps because of – the violence of their society, Dorfish culture also contains a complex system of obligations, oaths, and honorable acts. How much any particular Dorf, or any subset of Dorfish society, adheres to these can vary; expat Dorfs are often more strict about them than those who live on Dorfia itself.

Dorfs have a highly advanced grasp on the science of biology. The Ministry of Genetics may be called in to approve inter-species crossbreeding. They have a "guilty until proven innocent" law system, or rather, a "pretty much gotta be guilty of something" law system. Popular sports include zxrjfwtzball.

The Order of Golyez is an elite group of all-female valkyrie-esque warriors. Traditionally, they are betrothed through the P'ron Hascor, a gladiatorial match where, if neither of the competitors die in the first twenty minutes, they're considered married.

Physical Characteristics

Dorfs are generally humanoid, in the "Star Trek alien" sense, but they have fangs, claws, ridges and green skin.

Place In the Cosmos

The Dorfian Empire was based around the planet Dorfia, home world of the Dorfs.

Planet Inferior exists in the same orbit as Dorfia, on the opposite side of their star.

The desert planet Haven is official neutral territory for the races within Dorfian space.

After Vel became Dorfian Emperor, the empire became fractured, with different factions fighting it out against each other.


   According to the Wikipedia Galactica (which has kept the relevant page locked for centuries, as Dorf-related pages tend to attract a fair amount of vandalism), the Dorfs emerged from seemingly nowhere five thousand years ago, around the same time as the beginning of recorded history on the minor but persistently irritating planet known as Earth. Fleets of Dorf ships flooded from outside the galaxy, bringing devastation in their wake. They destroyed the original homeworld of the Inhilators, almost brought down the Christicantthinkofagoodname Empire, wiped out six trillion Dvorakians, reduced the numbers of the Arcane to no more than a few hundred (from which they never recovered), and caused even more death indirectly by crashing the galactic communications network with their constant troll-posts. Even the Ultimate Dullifier of Alt.lactus had failed to stop them in their tracks. After the Great Flamewar, which lasted for 69 transgalactic megawhatzits (approximately a century and a half), an order of gods and heroes known as the Guardians of All That Is joined together to defeat them. The Dorf finally agreed to a truce and stayed for a time within the area which forms the core of their empire now.
   No one knows the history of the Dorf before they came to our galaxy. According to their own legends, however, they were once a peaceful and quiet people who dedicated themselves to the pursuits of philosophy. Their world knew no crime, disease, or war. It was also incredibly boring. But this world came to an end when a being they called the Prophet, one of the ancient Net.Trolls, arrived in their galaxy. It was this being who first brought the power of Senseless Violence to their galaxy. It warped them in body and soul and began a war that rendered their whole galaxy uninhabitable. The Prophet was never seen again, though there were rumors that after the Great Collectible Trading Card Crisis he had attacked the Earth and met his death at last. [In The Flame Wars IVFootnote Girl]
  —Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #50

Before the LNH had ever formed, one of the first experiences its members had as a team was against a Dorf – but the memories of this event were erased...

The first non-erased Dorf incursion was during the Cosmic Plot Device Caper, where they kidnapped Bibliography Boy and the disembodied brain of Comics Snob Boy. Like many things in the CPDC, this was resolved offscreen (though Martin Phipps's later edit of the story has a cosmically-powered Sing-Along Lass taking care of them).

During Flame Wars II, the Anti-Drizzt manipulated the Dorfs into establishing a base on Earth and kidnapping Super Apathy Lad and Sing-Along Lass. The LNH took them down, but this just played into the Anti-Drizzt's plans...

Over the next few years, the Dorfs were investigated by X-Files parodies several times, one of their moons exploded, and there was an invasion but Deja Dude took care of it. But the biggest interaction they had with the LNH began during Flame Wars VI. As different universes merged together and timelines collapsed in on themselves, Vel appeared – a half-Dorf half-human who had joined the LNH during the retroactively-erased Flame Wars V. He was a member of the LNH for a short time, but left due complicated events that resulted, in part, from anti-Dorf sentiment. He prevented Doctor Killfile from using time travel to take advantage of the legend of the Prophet, <and then other things happened that will be added later>

The Dorfs invaded the 2012 RACCies to take the power of The Goddess and the Writers, but since the RACCies are even more ridiculous than the regular LNH, it was solved via metafiction, author insertion, and references to Beige Midnight.

Back in the Looniverse's version of 2012, one faction of Dorfs, lead by General Jarrek, attacked the LNH and the Earth with a virus that would change humans into Dorfs when they lost control of their anger. To stop their plan, the Legion had to discover the Dorfs' weakness – their vulnerability to emotion. Irony Man revealed the secret of the LNH's first mission; that the half-Dorf Captain LNH had gathered them together to stop Jarrek from using the Cosmic Plot Device to open the way for a Dorf invasion, but that she had died, and that Unixepoch had erased their memories of the event. Afterwards, Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr. took the leaderless Dorfs back to the wars, to bring the memory that peace was possible.

Many Dorfs became outcasts during the war, and turned to mercenary work. A number of these were hired on to LAN.os's army, and helped capture the Legion during Just Another Multi-Writer Cascade That Will Probably Never Have an Ending. Burning Bra Lass got them to turn on him with an inspiring speech, but in the end, many joined the Crossover Queen's army, where they would be better-paid and feel more useful.

Notable Dorfs